Updated: Jun 1, 2022
Today is my one-year anniversary since my first septic event from hidradenitis suppurativa. It was the most horrible medical pain I've endured. I remember knowing I was dying. I almost didn't call 911. I felt all of the, "you're fine, you look fine, just be strong" bullshit, ableist comments clawing at my mind. I didn't listen. That call saved my life. I've attached a photo of myself on that day. And one year later, today - still fighting. I came very close to losing my life. I remember the moments between each sluggish beat of my heart that were an eternity of agony. All I could do was look at the seconds ticking by on the clock and wonder if they were my last. In the past year, I've had sepsis, and it continues to try its best to end me. Sepsis takes an immense toll on your body, especially when it's already very ill. My life has changed dramatically. I can no longer walk much, or leave my home unless absolutely necessary. I spend my days bedridden. I can't do what I used to be able to do. The anger and grief for this loss weigh heavy upon my shoulders. I now live each moment knowing it may be my last and knowing my timeline is now more finite than most healthy humans know. Knowing you're running out of time and the toll your body has taken cannot be undone, makes you respect yourself and the courage you've had to make it this far. My future is frightening. But I'm determined to make my time here count. I'm dedicated to helping others and doing my small part to ease the suffering of a hurting world. Today is not only my anniversary, it's my moving day. As many of you may know from my last blog, I'm moving to Portland, Oregon today. This move is to save my life for as long as it can be prolonged - to get me out of the pollution, pollen, and smoke-filled valley that is this hell called Eugene. And away from my apartment which is in unacceptable condition for me. I look ahead towards the unknown. I feel hope and fear. But I know my resilience, courage, and resourcefulness will serve me well. I can't wait to take my first breath of air away from here. Moving is painful, exhausting, expensive, and stressful. But it is my only hope. And I resolve to remain within that hope, despite the storms that ravage my body and life. "Make it so."
- Captain Jean-Luc Picard